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The Struggles of being a BFAR mom

12/10/2014

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I try to keep my posts light and non-controversial in order to maintain a wide range of readers. I think I usually do a good job with it, too. So let me (not) apologize in advance for this post perhaps being a little controversial, but definitely very personal and real.

Mommy-Guilt. It’s real. And it sucks. As a parent all we want to do is provide the best for our children. We want them to get the best start in life. We want them to be the healthiest they can be. We want them to grow and thrive and surpass all growth expectations and be at the top of the charts. And for a lot of us, we want to be the ones that provide that for them. We want to be the reason they’re gaining weight and growing on-track. We want to provide them with all of their food & nutrients that their tiny little bodies need. And when we cannot do that? Yeah, that’s when the mommy-guilt kicks in. And man does it. Like a million kicks right to the stomach. For any mom who has even remotely felt that guilt, you get it. For the mommies who have been so fortunate to not feel it, count your blessings.

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Welcome, Holland Waverly!

12/5/2014

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Introducing...

Holland Waverly Rugala Flower Garden

Holland Waverly Rugala. Born September 2nd, 2014 at 5:03pm. 7 pounds 10 ounces, 19.25" long.

This girl. Everything about her, my pregnancy, and her delivery is different from the other two. She's a dream baby. She's just a total doll. From the moment I found out about the surprise pregnancy I just had that mommy-instinct about a few things and I was pretty accurate on my predictions. I predicted that, unlike my other two, I would go full-term with Holland. And I did. As a matter of fact, I went passed my due-date. I also had a feeling she was going to be a big baby and although she wasn't big by other people's' standards, at 7.10lbs that's big for someone petite like me. My pregnancy with her was super easy. I didn't really noticeably show until well into my 2nd trimester. I wore regular clothes up until I gave birth with just a couple of pairs of maternity jeans sprinkled into the wardrobe here and there. I worked out until I was 7 months pregnant. I had zero cravings. No major issues. It was easy-peasy. Towards the end I wasn't insanely uncomfortable like I had been with Hudson. I never really felt 'huge' or 'super pregnant'. I worked up until a few days before my due-date, even. And thankfully I was not as miserable in the summer heat as I thought I would be. It really was a rather enjoyable experience, actually. The only part about the pregnancy that got a bit annoying was waiting for her to come out! With Poppy having been a month early and Hudson 2 weeks, I still held out a little bit of hope that she would be a little bit early just to save me from getting really huge and uncomfortable. Once I hit 36 weeks pregnant I was thinking "she can come any day now" and any sign of a contraction or anything had me wondering if it was time. But it wasn't. For the last 2 weeks of my pregnancy I had a crazy amount of contractions. They were regular and consistent but never sent me to the hospital. My OBGYN kept telling me that he would induce at any point after 37 weeks if I wanted him to. It was tempting. But ultimately I didn't want to force her out unnecessarily. I had mommy-guilt and felt like if she wasn't ready, then why induce labor? Why put us both at risk if she & I clearly weren't ready for labor and delivery? But man, was it tempting. The week before my due-date I gave in to his assistance in inducing labor and went with the "membrane sweeping" as a tactic to encourage labor to begin. Aside from it being a horrifically painful procedure that led to some light cramping anda  few contractions, it did nothing for me. I tried a 2nd time a few days later. Crickets. Zip. Zilch. Nothing. She was comfy and didn't want to come out. I was growing impatient by the day. I went to the Dr the day before my due-date. He told me he could induce labor the next day or not until the following week because of Labor Day. Brian and I went back and forth and told him we'd think about it and get back to him later that day with our decision. I just couldn't decide if I wanted to do it or see if she'd come on her own over the weekend. The thought of waiting another 6 days seemed excruciating, though. Finally I called the dr that night and said "let's go for it" to which he informed me it was too late and the spot had been filled and I'd have to wait until the following week. I was partially relieved and partially super sad - I was ready to meet her. The upside, we thought, was that I could have her on September 1st so that way she'd be born on the 1st of the month like Poppy and Hudson. However, the doctor wouldn't induce me on the first because he didn't want to work on Labor Day. HUGE HUGE bummer. It would have been so cool for them all to be born on the 1st of the month, but oh well. Tuesday, September 2nd eventually rolled around. I called at 5am as instructed and the nurses said they had a space open and to come in right away for my induction. This was the day. I was so nervous! It seemed surreal. The nurses and doctors were telling me I'd be having my baby. That day. It was such a weird thought... I was picking the day she would be born. I don't know why but it was difficult to grasp that concept. But off we went. Brian and I got to the hospital shortly before 6am and got all situated in my room. They started the pitocin around 7am. I was so nervous about being on pitocin since my only experience having it was with Poppy's labor and delivery which ended in a C-section. For Hudson's birth I didn't need it since I progressed entirely on my own and he was a vaginal birth (VBAC). I was nervous. I got an epidural a few hours later once the contractions got really bad. It was the easiest epidural, thankfully. After that point it was just a waiting game until I was ready to push. Around 1pm I was fully dilated and ready to push. I did a couple of practice pushes but the nurse and I agreed that I wasn't pushing effectively so I decided to forgo the epidural. I did that with Hudson's delivery and it made a world of a difference. So, we got rid of it. And just waited until it wore off enough for me to start pushing again. I did another practice push at 3:30 but opted to wait another hour until it wore off more. Come 4:30 I told the nurse I was ready to push. I was feeling all of the contractions, the pressure, and definitely felt ready for her delivery. They got everything all set-up and ready and called the dr to come in. I was told he was on his way and to wait a few minutes. I waited as long as I could until I just could not wait any longer. So at about 4:55 I told them I HAD to push and I wasn't going to wait for the doctor. I couldn't. I pushed. And pushed. And pushed again. She was coming out and I could feel it. They said to stop pushing, the doctor would be right in. I said that was impossible and I HAVE to push. The nurse ran and got the head nurse and she came in, I pushed one more time and she was out. at 5:03pm. Right as the doctor was waltzing through the door. Nice to see ya, doctor! Geez. The doctor cleaned me all up, the nurses cleaned Holland up and that was it. My baby girl was here. It was the easiest labor and delivery for me. And my 2nd successful VBAC. I was able to rest and relax and laugh with my family and hubby while waiting to push which helped to keep me calm leading up until it was go-time. It really was such a good experience. No issues. No complications. And, my first baby to be given right to me and stay with me the whole time - no NICU for this little girl!!! That's big for us!

Some of her first moments:

10670219_10152689777024785_8569929544183328100_n 1521281_10152408808737981_2012050869500390493_nShe is such a sweet girl. She is a great sleeper. She doesn't cry or fuss unless she is hungry. She loves to snuggle. She adores Poppy. And tolerates Hudson HA! She goes with the flow. She laughs so much. She is super smiley. She is very vocal already, too! But, you kind of have to be in this crowd. She's just the sweetest little thing, ever. I truly cannot sing her praises enough. She has been the perfect addition to our family. Poppy is the best big sister to her. She is sweet and loving and helpful. She helps without being asked. She loves without reserve. She lives for our "girl time" and begs for snuggles and hugs from her. She has her own nicknames for her and constantly talks to her. She is just wonderful with her. 10805606_862263050470613_8728041142447551249_nHudson is a good big brother, too. Sometimes he forgets to be gentle. But he loves to give hugs and kisses and "licks"  - thanks to his daddy teaching him that. He wants to help feed her, but again, forgets that whole gentle thing... but he does try to; it is very sweet when he does it. The other day we were in Safeway and he turned around in her seat and took the initiative to give Holland her bottle. Albeit, a bit forceful, but he was trying and it was very cute. He calls her "Baby Holli" in his itty bitty squeaky little voice and it sorta makes me melt every time. He was also very curious about my nursing her... that was pretty fun! Last night I said to him "Ok, I have to go feed Holland now" and he asked "With your boobies?" Ha! That's a boy for ya - obsessed with boobs! Though she was a bit unexpected, I just cannot imagine my life without her. She is perfect and fits perfectly into our little family of 5 now.
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